A trial separation

I wrote this a month ago but wasn't quite ready to post it. I'm not sure if I'm ready now. But what the hell.

I think I'm breaking up with PJ Harvey. Well, maybe not a breakup, but we're definitely taking some time apart.

It's not easy to admit this to anyone. I mean, I've loved PJ Harvey for almost 20 years, making it the longest relationship I've ever had.

She saw me through times in college when I'd get so overwhelmed in a 100-person classroom that I'd get panic attacks. She was there all those times I felt alienated, either from the bar people I was hanging out with or mean boys and even my family.

When PJ Harvey made music, it was raw and strong and charged. It was almost too painful and uncomfortable to enjoy, and that's why I fell in love with it.

And it wasn't just the music. Over the years PJ Harvey and I have been connected. No really. She either releases records or goes on tour in October, my birthday month. Twice she's performed in L.A. (the closest she usually gets to me) on my actual date of birth.

You think it's all in my head, I know. But how do you explain the time I came back from New York feeling all in love with everything about the city and wanting to move there and then very soon after she released an album ABOUT NEW YORK.

Also? Once she stayed at my favorite hotel in L.A. How do I know? Because when we were checking out, who should be sitting on the bench waiting for her valet right next to me but PJ Harvey.

I KNOW!!

I'll spare you the painfully awkward details about how I said hello and then cried about it as soon as I got in the car. It lasted all of 30 seconds and she was very gracious.

More recently, however, the feelings haven't been as strong. She's released a few albums that, while still much better than anything out there, were not her most fabulous. They were either too gimmicky with falsetto-only singing or too sparse. But I forgave her and learned to appreciate her artistic process. I certainly don't expect or want her to give me 20 years worth of Rid of Me's and was extremely happy when she tinkered with electronica.

Even when other music friends and journalists said bad things about PJ, I'd stick up for her. For feminism. For creativity. I did it when she released her latest album a few months ago. It's a record that's all about war in England, a subject I do not identify with whatsoever.

At first, I liked the album and the way she sang about atrocities in such a beautiful way. The girls even like it, even though they don't realize they're singing about dead soldiers. But after many listens, I just didn't feel anything personal in it.

And then, she performed Coachella, a festival where artists go out of their way to do special performances. When I went, I saw Peter Murphy of Bauhaus sing "Bela Lugosi's Dead" hanging upside down like a bat the entire time.
Wait, I'm not sure if you read that correctly. He sang UPSIDE DOWN like a bat. Do you know how long that song is??

Here you can watch it for yourself.

I saw Arcade Fire climb the posts and scream through megaphones as the sun was setting over the dessert.

Magical musical moments happen at Coachella.

I wasn't there this year, but her concert was being streamed live on YouTube. She came out in a very corseted white dress, a dress that limited her movements greatly. And she just stood there and sang in a very quiet and very controlled way. There was absolutely nothing wrong with her show, she is one of the best live singers I've ever seen.

It was just . . . boring. I'm not expecting her to hang upside down or climb things. But I've seen her let go before, really just scream and play guitar and show passion. But it wasn't happening this time. She seemed much older, like an eccentric cat lady, and I was unimpressed.

It was a terrible, low feeling. I tried to ignore it. I didn't say anything about it. But since then, many people have sent me emails and links about her concert being broadcast on NPR and new videos being released and I've had absolutely no desire to watch or listen.

And that's where I am now. Though, as I write this, I feel guilty. I just need to take a break.
Even so, I'm not sure if I'll ever be at the point where I'll start seeing anyone else.